The Tired Space Between Trying and Resting

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about fatigue. Not the kind that sleep fixes, but the kind that settles in when you’re trying to move forward and pause at the same time.

I love working. I genuinely do. Creating, learning, building something that feels like mine gives me energy. But I also love resting. Slowing down. Letting my mind wander without an agenda. The problem is the space in between those two states. That strange middle ground where I’m not fully productive and not fully resting either.

That’s where guilt lives.

If I’m working, part of me feels like I should be doing more. If I’m resting, part of me feels like I haven’t earned it yet. Sometimes it feels like there’s no winning, just a constant internal negotiation with myself.

But the more I sit with it, the more I realize that the desire to “win” at life might be the wrong question entirely.

If winning is the goal, then it’s worth asking what’s actually driving the need to push and the need to pause. What is the core need underneath both? Security? Validation? Peace? Growth? Maybe all of it at once.

This idea has been following me as I read The Mountain Is You by Brianna West. The book keeps circling back to the idea that self-sabotage isn’t random. It’s a signal. Our behaviors, even the ones that feel contradictory, are often trying to meet the same underlying need in different ways.

That perspective changed something for me.

Instead of judging myself for being tired or unmotivated or restless, I’ve started getting curious. What am I actually asking for in this moment? Rest? Reassurance? Momentum? Meaning?

I’ve made it a goal to read at least one chapter each weekday from books that challenge me to become the kind of human I want to be. Not to “fix” myself, but to understand myself better. To respond instead of react.

Some days, pushing forward is the right choice. Other days, stopping is the work. Learning to tell the difference feels like its own practice.

Maybe fatigue isn’t a sign that something is wrong. Maybe it’s an invitation to listen more closely.

I’m still learning where my balance lives. Still figuring out how to move forward without abandoning myself in the process. But I’m starting to believe that the win isn’t in doing more or less.

It’s in understanding why I feel pulled to do both.

Camille B.